Child Custody Mediation: How It Works and How to Prepare in California

Child custody mediation is one of the most important steps in any California family law case involving children. Whether you are going through a divorce, establishing parentage, or modifying an existing custody order, mediation gives parents the opportunity to resolve disputes outside the courtroom, often faster, with less conflict, and in a way that prioritizes the child’s well-being.

California courts view mediation as a child-centered process designed to help parents create practical parenting plans. And because many counties require parents to attend FCS versus mediation before a judge will hear custody issues, understanding how mediation works and how to prepare can significantly improve your outcome.

“A common mistake I have seen is when parents are driven by their own emotions, as opposed to their child's best interest. Sometimes clients will assume that the other parent is ‘out to get them,’ and this inevitably clouds their judgment, and reason goes out the window. Even if the other parent is being totally unreasonable, it is essential to remain level-headed and leave your own emotions at the door.”
‍
— Nicole You, Family Law Attorney

What Is Child Custody Mediation in California?

Child custody mediation is a confidential process where a neutral mediator helps parents resolve disagreements about legal custody, physical custody, and parenting time. In California, parents attend non-confidential Family Court Services (FCS), a free, court-ordered program, or through private mediation, which offers flexibility for parents to make proposals for parenting plans and legal decisions related to their child(ren).

The goal of mediation is to reduce conflict, improve communication, and help parents create child-focused parenting plans without court involvement. It provides a structured setting where parents can work toward stable, long-term solutions that support their child’s well-being. A trained custody mediator can help parents with their communication skills, develop proposals and solutions that will be future-centered.

You might be interested in: Divorce & Child Custody: What Happens To Your Parenting Plan?

How Child Custody Mediation Works (Step-by-Step)

Understanding each stage of the mediation process can ease anxiety and help you approach the session with confidence. While every case is unique, California follows a general structure designed to support meaningful, child-centered negotiation.

1. Referral to Mediation

Mediation begins when custody or visitation becomes a point of conflict. This typically happens when:

• Parents cannot agree on a parenting schedule or other custody-related issues.
• One parent requests a change to an existing custody order.
• A judge requires mediation before making temporary or permanent custody decisions.

Once mediation is ordered, the court provides instructions about:

• Where mediation will take place (Family Court Services or private mediation)
• How to schedule your session
• Whether you must complete orientation or online education beforehand
• What documents you may need to bring (school schedules, calendars, proposed parenting plans, etc.) or clarification on no documents being allowed.

Important note: Some counties require parents to watch a court-approved orientation video before mediation, and failing to complete this step can delay your case.

Where this requirement applies, it is important to note that it is not enforced uniformly. Some counties require it in all custody cases, others only in contested matters, and the timing and format (online versus in person) may vary. Working with an attorney skilled in the county where you are mediating is best; they can assist you in understanding the local rules, a parent’s responsibilities, and expectations throughout the process.

“Preparation for child custody mediation is essential to ensure that your client's primary focus remains the child(ren)'s best interest. It is crucial for your client to prepare for mediation through a child-focused lens while ensuring that they master the art of communicating their custody preferences from the voice of their child without minimizing the other parent's role (minus exigent circumstances surrounding harm or danger to the child). It is also crucial that clients understand that they do not need to agree or "stipulate" to anything at the direction of the mediator without confidence that they agree such a proposal is in the best interest of their child.”
‍
— Ashley Bell, Family Law Attorney

2. Meeting with the Mediator

Your first (and sometimes only) session involves meeting with a trained child custody mediator. The structure depends heavily on your county and the level of conflict in your case:

Joint Sessions

Both parents meet together with the mediator. This is the default format in many counties and works best when communication is respectful.

Separate or “Shuttle” Sessions

The mediator meets with each parent individually and relays information between rooms. This reduces tension and gives each parent space to speak openly.

Hybrid Sessions

A combination of joint and separate meetings is often used when parents can discuss some issues together but require separation for more sensitive topics.

Domestic Violence or Safety Concerns

California law requires special accommodations, including:

• Separate rooms
• Staggered arrival and departure times
• A support person is present
• Security involvement when necessary

No parent should ever feel unsafe while participating in Family Court Services, and courts take these protections seriously.

For more detailed information, you can explore: Can A DVRO Affect Custody or Visitation in California?

3. Discussing Custody and Parenting Issues

Mediation is a structured discussion focused on presenting proposals that address the child’s needs and best interests going forward. It is not about past relationship conflicts, financial disputes, or personal grievances between the parties.

Topics commonly covered include:

• Daily Care and Routines: Who handles meals, bedtime, homework, daycare, etc.
• Education: Choice of school, IEP/504 plans, tutoring, and transportation.
• Health & Medical Decisions: Primary doctors, mental health care, medications, and consent-based decisions.
• Extracurriculars & Activities: Sports schedules, music lessons, religious activities, and transportation responsibilities.
• Parenting Time & Exchanges: Weekday/weekend schedule, pick-ups/drop-offs, neutral exchange zones, and time allocation.
• Holidays and Vacations: Alternating holidays, school breaks, summer travel, birthdays, and travel authorizations.
• Communication Protocols: Use of co-parenting apps, texting expectations, emergency notifications, and conflict-reduction rules.
• Special Circumstances: Medical needs, developmental concerns, disabilities, high-conflict patterns, and relocation issues.

The mediator’s job is to keep the conversation focused, balanced, and constructive. They may reframe issues, redirect heated discussions, or help clarify misunderstandings, all while maintaining a child-centered approach.

4. Creating a Parenting Plan

If parents reach a consensus, the mediator helps outline a clear, detailed, and practical parenting plan, which may include:

• Weekly and holiday schedules
• Decision-making responsibilities
• Transportation and exchange guidelines
• Communication rules
• Protocols for future disputes

The agreement is then:

1. Put into writing
2. Signed by both parents
3. Submitted to the judge
4. Issued as a binding court order once approved.

Many families resolve all or most child custody issues in mediation, avoiding lengthy and costly court hearings.

5. If No Agreement Is Reached

If parents cannot reach an agreement during Family Court Services, the next steps depend on the mediation model used in your county (recommending or non-recommending county). This distinction is critical because it affects what information the judge will see and how much influence the mediator’s input may have.

Recommending Counties (e.g., Riverside, Orange County, San Diego)

In recommending counties, the Family Court Services (FCS) counselor prepares a written report for the court that outlines the custody and visitation issues, the counselor’s observations, and recommended parenting arrangements. Because the counselor is a neutral professional with firsthand exposure to the parties during mediation, judges may give significant weight to these recommendations when issuing custody and visitation orders, even when arguments or evidence presented at the hearing differ from the counselor’s findings.

As a result, how a parent presents themselves during Family Court Services can directly impact the court’s decision-making. Preparation is critical, and parents are strongly encouraged to work with an experienced family law attorney to clarify goals, address safety or developmental concerns, and prepare child-focused proposals before attending mediation.

“Within certain counties, Judges will rely on the recommendations of the Family Court Services counselor, despite arguments and evidence at the court hearing to the contrary of the recommendations and findings in the report. Based on the neutrality of the FCS counselor, a judge may give more weight to the findings and recommendations of the report.”
‍
— Elizabeth M. Brown, Family Law Mediator

Non-Recommending Counties (e.g., Los Angeles County)

In non-recommending counties such as Los Angeles County, child custody mediation is confidential, and the mediator does not make custody or visitation recommendations to the judge. The mediator cannot be questioned about the content of the mediation, including any communications or observations made during the session.

The only information that is not confidential is:

• That mediation took place
• The date, time, and location of the mediation
• The identities of the participants

If the parents do not reach an agreement, the case proceeds to a court hearing. The judge makes custody and visitation decisions based solely on the evidence and arguments presented in court, not on anything discussed during mediation.

Regardless of county type:

• Unresolved issues will proceed to a court hearing.
• Parents may need to submit supplemental declarations and evidence.
• Temporary orders may remain in place until further court order.

How to Prepare for Child Custody Mediation

Preparation is the difference between productive mediation and stalled conflict. The more organized and child-focused you are, the better your chances of reaching agreements.

Here’s how to prepare effectively:

1. Know Your Goals

Before arriving, clarify:

• What schedule do you want? And how is this best for your child?
• Your non-negotiables.
• Where are you willing to compromise? Create various proposals.
• What will support your child emotionally and academically?

2. Bring Helpful Documentation

This may include:

• School calendars.
• Health or therapy schedules.
• Work schedules.
• Child’s activities.
• Records of current routines.

Avoid bringing evidence meant to attack the other parent unless safety is an issue.

3. Stay Child-Focused

Mediation is not the place to relitigate relationship issues. Judges and mediators expect parents to:

• Prioritize the child’s stability both now and in the future.
• Avoid personal attacks on your co-parent.
• Focus on the child’s day-to-day needs.
• Present clear and  reasonable proposals.

4. Manage Emotions and Communication

Even in high-conflict cases, mediators value:

• Calm communication.
• Respectful behavior.
• Willingness to collaborate.
• Consistency.

Parents who demonstrate maturity often achieve better outcomes.

5. Work with an Attorney

A knowledgeable family law attorney helps you walk into mediation focused, organized, and ready to advocate for your child’s best interests, without escalating conflict or making avoidable mistakes. A family law attorney can help you:

• Prepare talking points.
• Organize evidence and schedules.
• Draft a proposed parenting plan.
• Develop alternate proposals.
• Address safety or DV concerns.
• Avoid common mistakes that harm your case.

“The fastest way parents undermine mediation is by making it about their emotions or their grievances instead of the child. Mediation works best when parents stay factual, prepared, and focused on practical solutions that support the child’s routine and stability. When you shift the conversation from ‘what’s fair to me’ to ‘what works for my child,’ outcomes improve dramatically.”
‍
— Garen Gevorkian, Family Law Attorney

“Also important to be prepared with proposals. It is important to think through all options available to resolve the conflict.”
‍
— Elizabeth M. Brown, Family Law Mediator

Common Challenges in Custody Mediation, and How to Handle Them

Custody mediation can become significantly more complicated when deeper parenting or safety issues are involved. Some of the most frequent challenges include:

• High-conflict communication patterns: When parents struggle to communicate without hostility, mediators will keep discussions focused on the child rather than past disputes.  A high conflict mediator will work on reframing the discussions as well as provide tools to the parents to improve communication skills.
• One parent exerting excessive control: Attempts to dominate the process or shut down conversation can impact mediation. A trained mediator has the skills to manage communications.
• Substance abuse concerns: Allegations of drug or alcohol misuse can shift mediation toward safety planning, monitoring options, or supervised visitation arrangements.
• Domestic violence or safety risks: These cases require special protocols, separate sessions, and child-focused safety measures.
• Long-distance parenting or relocation issues: Move-away disputes introduce complex questions about schooling, travel, and maintaining meaningful parent-child contact.
• Disagreements about education or medical care: When parents disagree about major decisions, mediators help the parents create proposals to support the child’s long-term stability and best interests.
• New partners or blended family dynamics: Concerns about step-parents, household rules, or differing parenting styles can influence the structure of a workable parenting plan. Through mediation parents can have an open discussion about the impacts multiple households will have on a child.

Key Takeaways

• Mediation is a required step in most California custody cases.
• Its purpose is to help parents resolve disputes in a child-focused way.
• Preparation significantly impacts the outcome.
• Family Court Services Counselor recommendations can influence custody orders in recommending jurisdictions.
• Working with an experienced family law attorney strengthens your approach and helps protect your rights.

FAQs About Child Custody Mediation in California

How long does mediation take?

Most court-ordered sessions last 1–2 hours. Private mediation can last longer depending on the complexity of the case.

Is mediation confidential?

Yes. Everything said in mediation is confidential.

Do I need a lawyer for mediation?

Not required, but highly recommended. Proper preparation and strategic guidance often lead to better outcomes.

What if we don’t reach an agreement?

The case moves to a court hearing. In some counties, the mediator may submit recommendations for the Court to consider.

What should I avoid saying in mediation?

Avoid blaming, insults, or discussing past relationship issues. Stay focused on the child’s needs and best interests.