What’s “Fair” in Divorce? (Hint: It’s Not Always 50/50)

When people come into mediation, one of the most common things I hear is:
“I just want what’s fair.”

It’s a reasonable instinct. Divorce can feel like a dividing line—and many people think the goal is to split everything down the middle. But here’s the truth:

Fair doesn't always mean equal.
And equal doesn't always feel fair.

Let’s take a closer look at what “fair” really means in divorce—and how reframing this idea can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.

Equal vs. Equitable

Generally speaking, in California, property acquired during the marriage is considered community property and is generally divided equally. That sounds simple on paper—but life rarely fits perfectly into halves.

Here are some common realities:

• One spouse may keep the house while the other takes more retirement funds or another asset as an offset against home equity—but it’s important to understand that these assets aren’t necessarily equal in value. Retirement accounts have different tax treatment, liquidity, and long-term implications. These kinds of trade-offs can work well when they reflect the couple’s personal priorities or practical needs—but the most important thing is that both people are fully informed when making the decision.
• A co-parent may take on more day-to-day child responsibilities, even if time is technically split.
• One partner may need temporary financial support to get reestablished after years spent caregiving.

In mediation, we often look not just at “What’s the law?”—which I like to call the default rules (what typically happens if you don’t reach a different agreement)—but also, “What’s workable?” and “What matters most to each of you?”

Fairness, in real life, often requires creativity, flexibility, and honesty about what each person needs to move forward.

Sometimes it helps to actually look at the numbers. In mediation, we often walk through a few different “what if” scenarios—what happens if one person keeps the house, or if spousal support is handled one way versus another. Often, the differences that feel emotionally significant turn out to be financially minimal. Other times, they’re meaningful—but having the numbers on the table allows for informed, grounded decisions rather than ones based on fear or assumption. This kind of clarity also helps both people start to generate thoughtful proposals, rather than just reacting to each other. In some cases, this might include working with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) or other financial expert—because just like any difficult job, using the right tool makes it easier, more efficient, and more likely to hold up over time. It’s not about proving who’s right—it’s about understanding what really matters and what impact different choices will have.

Questions That Lead to Real Fairness

If you're stuck in a fairness tug-of-war, try stepping back and asking:

• What am I trying to protect or preserve?
• Is there a different way to get there, without locking into positions?
• What do I really need to feel stable—and what can I let go of?
• Is this about money, or is it about feeling respected or seen?

These questions aren’t always easy—but they often lead to better, more sustainable agreements.

The Fairness Trap

Sometimes “I just want what’s fair” becomes code for:

• “I want to undo what feels like an injustice.”
• “I want acknowledgment for what I gave up.”
• “I want to be treated with the respect I didn’t get before.”

Those are real emotional needs. And they deserve to be heard. But legal agreements are rarely the best tools for meeting them.

In mediation, we can:

• Clarify what matters most to each person
• Help you name and validate underlying feelings
• Focus on practical, forward-looking solutions—without losing sight of what fairness means to each of you

A New Definition of Fair

Fair might mean:

• Creating an agreement that reflects your real-life parenting rhythms
• Dividing assets in a way that meets both partners’ financial needs, even if the split isn’t identical
• Giving voice to past contributions in a way that brings closure—not punishment

Fair isn’t a math problem.
It’s a conversation.

Next time, we’ll talk about how to think about co-parenting time—whether your children are toddlers or teens—and why a flexible mindset may serve your whole family better than a rigid schedule.

Until then, try asking yourself:
What would fair enough look like—for now, for them, and for you?