The Pause Button: Why Slowing Down Can Actually Move Your Divorce Forward

Sometimes the most important thing you can do in the middle of a divorce isn’t to make a decision—it’s to pause before you do.

In a process filled with urgency, deadlines, and emotionally charged communication, it can feel like everything has to happen now. You may be receiving legal paperwork, facing housing decisions, or navigating painful parenting conversations. There’s pressure to respond, to figure things out, to “be strong.”

But here’s what I tell clients all the time:
You are allowed to slow down.

In fact, sometimes slowing down is the smartest, most productive thing you can do.

Why We Rush—and Why It Backfires

Most people don’t rush because they’re careless. They rush because they’re overwhelmed. Because they want clarity. Because uncertainty is uncomfortable. Or because they feel pressured to “get it over with.”

But the truth is that decisions made in emotional overdrive—especially around parenting, money, and communication—often lead to outcomes that are reactive rather than thoughtful.

When we rush:

• We respond emotionally rather than intentionally
• We may agree to terms we don’t fully understand or aren’t ready for
• We escalate conflict unintentionally (especially by text or email)
• We miss opportunities for creative solutions

What the Pause Button Looks Like in Practice

Pausing doesn’t mean avoiding. It means making space to respond rather than react.

In mediation, we often:

• Take breaks when emotions are high
• Table a topic to revisit it with a clearer head
• Use neutral language to slow down heated conversations
• Ask: Do you need more time, information, or clarity before deciding this?

You can do this outside of mediation, too.

Here are a few “pause tools” you can try:

• The 24-Hour Email Rule: Don’t send the message in the heat of the moment. Save it. Re-read it. Sleep on it.
• The Clarifying Question: Before acting, ask yourself, “What is this really about?” or “What outcome do I actually want here?”
• The Reset Option: Say, “I need a little time to think about this and come back to it.” That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.
• BIFF Responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm): This method, developed by high-conflict expert Bill Eddy, helps you respond calmly and effectively—especially when messages feel provoking or hostile. I’ve completed extensive training with Bill and his team and often share this framework with clients who want to communicate clearly without escalating conflict.

For more on this, the book BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People is a great resource.

A Note for Co-Parents

Pausing is especially powerful for co-parents. When you feel provoked, misunderstood, or criticized, your instinct may be to defend or correct. Instead, imagine modeling emotional regulation for your children—not by being perfect, but by showing that thoughtful, respectful responses matter.

Sometimes taking 15 minutes before responding to a message does more for your long-term co-parenting dynamic than any court order ever could.

The Takeaway

Divorce is full of decisions. Some are urgent. Many are not.
What feels like a crisis in the moment may turn out to be just a hard conversation that needs a little more time and space.

Give yourself permission to pause.
It’s not avoidance—it’s leadership. And it can change everything.

Next time, we’ll explore what “fair” really means in divorce—and why it isn’t always the same as “equal.”

Until then, keep breathing. You don’t have to move fast to move forward.